The Times They Are A'Changin'...

Hailz, RATHBONERS!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but really, that was part of my contract as frontman; to be the one who has to come out on stage and tell people we can't play because we're all too toasted on ether and such... Of anyone in this band, I like to think I was chosen for this venture because I clearly have enough dexterity to dodge the bottles and knives and small Buicks lobbed at me after delivering such messages... And it wasn't because nothing of value would be lost, should one of them land a fatal blow to my skull.

Speaking of contracts -- onto that bad news I promised: It seems a full 99% of our group has spontaneously combusted. At least, that's what Zeng tells us. She's adamant it wasn't a covert government funded plot to annihilate RATHBONE or anything. Still, a good 6,000+ of us are dead. Burnt to a crisp with no explanation. I saw some of the bodies, myself, and I have to give it to the fire that randomly ate most of my band... the remains were remarkably intact. I asked Zeng why that was, and why some of the corpses were littered with bullet holes, but she said I shouldn't worry about that. Clean burn equals quick and painless death, right?

Anyway, our violinist had to find new digs as she felt that all of us living together was tempting fate too much for these horrible spontaneous human combustion accidents that totally weren't brutal murders, to strike again en masse here at the RATHOUSE in Columbus... So Becky has taken a cue from Guns N' Roses, and moved herself into one of those portable storage thingies. I hear it's nice and very metuhl!!!

At last glance, we were back down to under 10 members. I realize that's still enough to create a respectable band, but only barely by my standards. Cutting the cost of transporting thousands of musicians will certainly help out in the long run... still...

I miss our dozen-man troupe of synchronized chainsaw jugglers, already. RATHBONE won't be the same without them...

Hail the Whale,

DB

Hello from Jail!

The good news: RATHBONE's collective prison sentence has been commuted! The bad news: it's been commuted to the prison cafeteria...?!! (See the editor's note on this RATHBLOG entry for an explanation of why we were arrested - starting with the Narwhal herself, of course…)

So, fellow RATHBONERS, we need some culinary inspiration. What would *you* cook for a hausful of cons?

Furthermore, what would you cook for a roomful of trolls? (The ladies of RATHBONE have somehow been weasled into making dinner for our most-the-least-favorite Finns on their next tour, which is sure to be a fiasco… wisely, we've already ruled out Karjalanpiirakat.)

THIS IS NO

Hailz RaTRBONERS,,

I read a post thsn morning abhout us gettibng a theme resatauarant and I just wanto say i am very PISSED.

I'm fucking n ot kidding this time. You kjnow I am lead front man on this band and youg uys should NOT EVER BE making decisions without mu consent but you do it all the time and all I can do is get in the house after quality time spent in the bar this the morningg and go NOOOOOOOO FUCK YOUUUUU. I NEVERR WANTED A THEME RESTAURANT. WHY ARE YOU BUYIGN ONE AND WHAT DO I HEAR ABIOUT US DOING ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE YUOI EAT A WHOLE PACK OF AMERICANNAN CHEES AND A 39 CASE OF PBR AND YOUR MEAL IS ON TRHE HOUSE?!?!?!!??!!

FUCK we cannot afford this business venture!!!!!!!

And I can't,,,, get into you guys. Why are you always saying I can't come to these meetings because I am too drunk or too high or too having sex to be there?! I am upset aszxl the counscellling I have to do and myuhj theRAPIST is tired of looking at me. I t would fix thingsz if youl all would just nvite me to thesew mewretingsd and we coudf get stufs done adn i wouldnt besomad and we wouldnt spend osrur money$$$ poorlyy.....

OH FUCK I CANT FIND THE DUCKING ASPOSPOTROPEJHE KEY OINTHIS KEYHBOARD I THINK SOMEBODY STOLE ITK.

Fuck thsis band. Fuck aquavit. Fuck me.

DB

-- EDITOR'S NOTE: After sobering up, my bandmates have informed me that the RATHSTAURANT idea was mine the whole time. Apparently I ranted about it for two hours, held them at gunpoint and demanded we go through with this affair before accidentally shooting Hallo in the foot and... well... leaving the house in my underwear and proclaiming, "I'm the motherfucker of the year and I demand satisfaction!"

...I therefore retract the above post and all claims made within it.

RATHBONE to Debut Doggie Biscuit Line

Yes, you read correctly, folks – in line with its pro-pet agenda, RATHBONE will launch its own brand of gourmet dog biscuits (aptly dubbed 'Boners') in late 2010. Look for them in the dry food section of your local pet store, or in the cookie aisle of the nearest supermarket. (Being perpetually broke, the members of RATHBONE have been forced to live off them for the past six months, so we're pretty sure they're safe for human consumption. No one's died from malnutrition yet, anyway…)

RATHBONE says: don't be selfish – give your dog a Boner! :D

RATHBONE to Close out SACRILICIOUS Tour aboard Floating Alcoholocaust

Although we still won't be writing any songs about excessively-appendaged amphibians or Finnish death metal vocalists with questionable backgrounds, RATHBONE, nonetheless, has some exciting news to announce! At the culmination of its SACRILICIOUS summer tour – which is sure to be one of the strangest musical events on record, as no actual "music" will be heard aside from the occasional beer-tab solo and the dog's snoring – RATHBONE is proud to announce that it will be making a cameo appearance aboard the 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise!

Even though the SACRILICIOUS tour will probably collapse after a week or so, due to mismanagement, lack of funds, and severe intoxication, RATHBONE considers its upcoming appearance at this massive, floating heavy metal festival to be the perfect way to cap off its (likely limited) time on the road. Plus, while on board, we'll be filming the final footage for RATHBONE's live/behind-the-scenes DVD, which is scheduled for release (fortunately, not on bologna) early next year!

Still not enough RATHBONE for you?? Well, then, you're in luck: those fans who find themselves in need of additional BONING have the opportunity to meet the band after its epic performance aboard 70,000 Tons of Metal! RATHBONE, which is legally obligated to hand-feed its llamas an expensive mixture of saffron-powdered alfalfa and 1958 Glen Garioch (we've since killed fired the lawyer who negotiated that contract), will be riding onto the ocean liner in style with the help of its brand-new RATHBUS.

The band has graciously acquiesced to a meet 'n greet with fans aboard the RATHBUS, and will offer bus rides upon the waves for $666,666 apiece. (Please note that RATHBONE is not liable for any accidents that may occur, as we haven't yet tested the RATHBUS to see if it can float.) This promises to be a unique and rewarding experience*, not only for the fans, but also for the band itself, as RATHBONE is still attempting to recoup the losses it sustained from the failed release of the WURSTALBUM.

So, grab your wallets and floaties, and prepare yourselves for the post-tour party of a lifetime! The sea (and our empty bank accounts) are calling!!

*Please also note that RATHBONE makes no guarantees as to the ability or fitness of its members to attend scheduled appearances aboard 70,000 Tons of Metal, as the bars on this voyage will be open 24 hours a day. Our philosophy is: if you're awake enough to drink, you're in no condition to be sober!

Things RATHBONE Will Never Write Songs About

We get so many requests from various mouthbreathers the world over to write songs about estranged loves, fond memories, and wild cetacean fantasies that were we an actual band, we'd have enough material to release a double disc album, every day for the rest of our collective lives, and still have songs left over for other bands to do the same for centuries to come. However, there are some things we simply will not write about, and it's time we discussed those on our public blog. We hope, in doing so, that you, our loyal, lyrical RATHBONERS, will quit wasting our fucking time...

Image above not related. We'd totally write a song about that guy who thinks he's Peter Pan, in a dress.


We will not write songs about frogs with seven legs.
Frankly, frogs are assholes. They're even worse when they have more limbs than the good Thor wanted them to have. In fact, if frogs did not dwell in water, which is a place, coincidentally, that Narwhals also call home, they would have absolutely no redeeming qualities, whatsoever.


We will not write songs about ninjas brandishing unicycles.
I think we can all agree that uni-fucking-cycle-ninja songs have inundated the airwaves enough. RATHBONE will never be so cliché. Pass.


We will not write songs about Alexi Laiho standing in front of a painted brick wall adorned with roses.
We actually have nothing against the subject matter and the variety of ways in which one could approach a song such as this -- fun fact: we tried writing about this very thing, several times... it simply became too frustraing to rhyme "Laiho" with anything except "Vitiligo"... Otherwise, the lyrics practically wrote themselves.


We will not write songs about Unicorns.
Just... No.


And of course... We never EVER write a love song.
I mean seriously, could you imagine that? Only one-third of RATHBONE claims to have been in love at one point or another in their lives. Another third has attempted suicide after experiencing severe heartburn from trying to disprove that thing about humans being unable to drink a full gallon of milk in one sitting. That means a full 33% of the band has never known what it truly means to love, and be loved, or a gastrointestinal problem that was similar. Therefore, until we're more schooled in the ways of the heart, we're steering clear of this subject matter. We feel love has suffered enough at the hands of the music industry, as is, anyway...

Introducing The RATHBUS

Thanks to the successful efforts of the band to collectively donate all of our kidneys to the black market, we've secured a top-rate bus for the SACRILICIOUS Tour.

And an extra-special thank you to Chloe, who donated a small portion of her brain. Her bandmates wish her a full recovery, and we're all pulling for her to regain the ability to talk in complete sentences again, soon.

RATHBONE, who rose to fame as the fakest band in the world, is gaining a new reputation... as the band making the worst financial decisions in the world.

Unable to afford basic human necessities like proper housing and food, RATHBONE, in a move that defies explanation and logic, has purchased a tour bus. The RATHBUS, as the monstrosity has been affectionately dubbed, boasts twenty bunks, sixteen refrigerators (stocked with alcohol, exclusively), an olympic-size swimming pool, bowling alley, live llamas, and perhaps the strangest luxury of all -- a lounge area equipped with "steak chairs"... That is, seating upholstered with prime cuts of top loin beef.

Zeng, RATHBONE's sedatives distributor attempts to explain, "They really like steak... and chairs." She can't help but roll her eyes when questions about the band's fiduciary responsibility (or lack thereof) arise. In fact, it's not hard to see that much of her job involves sighing and shaking her head.

It wouldn't be so bad if RATHBONE had managed to purchase the bus in the same way other artists afford grandiose touring equipment. Their last album, WURSTALBUM, never even made it to stores before the bologna used in lieu of actual CDs, spoiled. The group was suddenly left committed to a tour for an album that had zero distribution, and nearly bankrupt for it. With the option of selling albums out, the prospect of selling organs on the black market began to find its way into regular conversation. As well-recognized pioneers in the field of bad ideas, it didn't take long for the concept to get rolling and gain popularity within the RATHBONE collective. Eventually, all members of the band went under the knife to remove one or both kidneys, and in some cases, other organs as well.

"Does this look infected to you?" asks frontwoman and lead throat contortionist Dawn "Narwhal" Best, presenting a gaping laceration on her lower back. "We wanted to have the wounds fully closed, surgically, but stitches cost money. When we thought about it, the idea didn't make sense to do that for everyone, since money is the whole reason we sold our kidneys in the first place."

"I'm really dizzy." Laura "Cloudy" Roselle, the band's obligatory redhead, chimes in.

Dizzy or not, the plan worked, and the RATHBUS will be hitting the road in June for the SACRILICIOUS Tour. With any luck, the shows will go over well with the RATHBONE faithful, and the band will no longer find themselves needing to resort to such extreme measures to stay relevant in the music industry, again.

But don't count on it.

"Maybe, if we make money on this, we could afford instruments or something..." Cloudy notes. "Then we'd almost not have to call ourselves a fake band... I think I'm gonna go lay down on the steak chairs."