Introducing The RATHBUS

Thanks to the successful efforts of the band to collectively donate all of our kidneys to the black market, we've secured a top-rate bus for the SACRILICIOUS Tour.

And an extra-special thank you to Chloe, who donated a small portion of her brain. Her bandmates wish her a full recovery, and we're all pulling for her to regain the ability to talk in complete sentences again, soon.

RATHBONE, who rose to fame as the fakest band in the world, is gaining a new reputation... as the band making the worst financial decisions in the world.

Unable to afford basic human necessities like proper housing and food, RATHBONE, in a move that defies explanation and logic, has purchased a tour bus. The RATHBUS, as the monstrosity has been affectionately dubbed, boasts twenty bunks, sixteen refrigerators (stocked with alcohol, exclusively), an olympic-size swimming pool, bowling alley, live llamas, and perhaps the strangest luxury of all -- a lounge area equipped with "steak chairs"... That is, seating upholstered with prime cuts of top loin beef.

Zeng, RATHBONE's sedatives distributor attempts to explain, "They really like steak... and chairs." She can't help but roll her eyes when questions about the band's fiduciary responsibility (or lack thereof) arise. In fact, it's not hard to see that much of her job involves sighing and shaking her head.

It wouldn't be so bad if RATHBONE had managed to purchase the bus in the same way other artists afford grandiose touring equipment. Their last album, WURSTALBUM, never even made it to stores before the bologna used in lieu of actual CDs, spoiled. The group was suddenly left committed to a tour for an album that had zero distribution, and nearly bankrupt for it. With the option of selling albums out, the prospect of selling organs on the black market began to find its way into regular conversation. As well-recognized pioneers in the field of bad ideas, it didn't take long for the concept to get rolling and gain popularity within the RATHBONE collective. Eventually, all members of the band went under the knife to remove one or both kidneys, and in some cases, other organs as well.

"Does this look infected to you?" asks frontwoman and lead throat contortionist Dawn "Narwhal" Best, presenting a gaping laceration on her lower back. "We wanted to have the wounds fully closed, surgically, but stitches cost money. When we thought about it, the idea didn't make sense to do that for everyone, since money is the whole reason we sold our kidneys in the first place."

"I'm really dizzy." Laura "Cloudy" Roselle, the band's obligatory redhead, chimes in.

Dizzy or not, the plan worked, and the RATHBUS will be hitting the road in June for the SACRILICIOUS Tour. With any luck, the shows will go over well with the RATHBONE faithful, and the band will no longer find themselves needing to resort to such extreme measures to stay relevant in the music industry, again.

But don't count on it.

"Maybe, if we make money on this, we could afford instruments or something..." Cloudy notes. "Then we'd almost not have to call ourselves a fake band... I think I'm gonna go lay down on the steak chairs."