Things RATHBONE Will Never Write Songs About

We get so many requests from various mouthbreathers the world over to write songs about estranged loves, fond memories, and wild cetacean fantasies that were we an actual band, we'd have enough material to release a double disc album, every day for the rest of our collective lives, and still have songs left over for other bands to do the same for centuries to come. However, there are some things we simply will not write about, and it's time we discussed those on our public blog. We hope, in doing so, that you, our loyal, lyrical RATHBONERS, will quit wasting our fucking time...

Image above not related. We'd totally write a song about that guy who thinks he's Peter Pan, in a dress.


We will not write songs about frogs with seven legs.
Frankly, frogs are assholes. They're even worse when they have more limbs than the good Thor wanted them to have. In fact, if frogs did not dwell in water, which is a place, coincidentally, that Narwhals also call home, they would have absolutely no redeeming qualities, whatsoever.


We will not write songs about ninjas brandishing unicycles.
I think we can all agree that uni-fucking-cycle-ninja songs have inundated the airwaves enough. RATHBONE will never be so cliché. Pass.


We will not write songs about Alexi Laiho standing in front of a painted brick wall adorned with roses.
We actually have nothing against the subject matter and the variety of ways in which one could approach a song such as this -- fun fact: we tried writing about this very thing, several times... it simply became too frustraing to rhyme "Laiho" with anything except "Vitiligo"... Otherwise, the lyrics practically wrote themselves.


We will not write songs about Unicorns.
Just... No.


And of course... We never EVER write a love song.
I mean seriously, could you imagine that? Only one-third of RATHBONE claims to have been in love at one point or another in their lives. Another third has attempted suicide after experiencing severe heartburn from trying to disprove that thing about humans being unable to drink a full gallon of milk in one sitting. That means a full 33% of the band has never known what it truly means to love, and be loved, or a gastrointestinal problem that was similar. Therefore, until we're more schooled in the ways of the heart, we're steering clear of this subject matter. We feel love has suffered enough at the hands of the music industry, as is, anyway...