A Lifestyle Not For Pussies

Hailz, RATHBONERS!

I can't tell you how many times people assume that just because I'm in a fake band, I am not a real musician. For the record, everyone in RATHBONE is, in fact, musically inclined. I really do sing, Femmetroll really plays violin, and Axe is... well... we love Axe...

You want more proof? I'm starving and my liver is simultaneously dying slowly of alcohol poisoning. That's right -- keep that in mind and try telling me I'm not an artist, asshole.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: being in a fake band is one of the best moves a musician can make. Without things like practicing, traveling to gigs, and actually playing gigs getting in the way, I can really enjoy my rock star lifestyle in ways most artists only dream of. Hey, sex, drugs and rock n' roll -- take out one and you have time for the other two, am I right?!

But there is a downside to being in RATHBONE -- not a big one, mind you, but a downside nonetheless... And that is, we often find ourselves broker than the ten commandments.

All of you reading this are no doubt familiar with Cyx's post last week, and the tragedy that befell WURSTALBUM's North American debut (I hear, however, the option of selling rancid meat might improve our financial outlook in Kyrgyzstan... so the release date in the Kyrgyz Republic is, as of this posting, unchanged). I'm not going to lie -- we really needed the money that would have come from that sector. But you know what? Making it as a band requires you get creative, and not just with your music... Or in our case, lack of music...

As frontman and co-founder of this project, I can say we’ve been through much worse. The time we were throwing around the idea of using a live narwhal as a stage prop was probably the biggest low point of our otherwise highly successful career. Who knew the damn things needed water and couldn’t survive being shipped from Norway in crates? But hell, I like to think we made the best of that nasty, smelly, and quite expensive endeavor by gutting the carcass to make a really big sleeping bag for four people, and using the horn as a sweet light saber. It’ll be the same this time, I’m sure. Ice-cube sandwiches can be quite tasty and I challenge anyone to come up with a more economical way to feed the masses who make the magic of RATHBONE happen.

In closing, I’ll say that if you’re reading this, and you yourself are in a band, keep your head held high, no matter what. Stuff like this is, after all, just part of the life we signed up for. Oh—and don’t act like you’re not envious.

Your band probably sucks, anyway.

Hail the Whale,

DB

RATHMASTER ROTTED – A TRAGIC LOSS, OR THE WISEST BUSINESS ACCIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC?!?

The RATHBONE community has some sad news to announce: the master copy of RATHBONE's WURSTALBUM—the first (and apparently the last) LP ever to be printed on bologna—has, unfortunately, spoiled after spending a mere three days outside the studio refrigerator.

The RATHMASTER was mistaken for a common cold cut by a hungry studio peon (who has since been fired), but the one-of-a-kind discmeat failed to make it onto the aforementioned peon's sandwich. Being belligerently inebriated (a.k.a., the habitual state of all RATHBONE employees, fans, and members) at the time, he dropped it on the floor—where it lay in bacteria-laden wait until leather jacket player Lauren "The Axe" Cleary discovered it three days later with the heel of her bare foot.

Lu (as she is better known) described the sensation as "fuzzy and kinda sick—not at all how we intended the album to come out… actually, no—that's exactly how we intended it to come out… anyway, it smelled like shit."

Before the leather jacket virtuoso could snap a photo of the ruined RATHMASTER for insurance purposes, however, her trusty bull mastiff wandered into the room and promptly gobbled it up. Nearby residents claimed to have heard the beast's belch up to six miles away (being the most unlistenable and horribly-recorded P.O.S. known to humankind, the WURSTALBUM is, after all, quite a lot to digest), with some alleging that the resulting vibrations damaged the foundations of their homes. RATHBONE (and its dog) is now being sued by a good portion of the state for disturbing the peace and accidentally an earthquake…

On the bright side, however, the loss of the RATHMASTER has inspired the band to record an acoustic tribute album in memory of its fallen objet d'art. The EP—which is anticipated to shatter previous sales records around the world—will be released later this spring, on ham.

-CK

More on the Release of WURSTALBUM!

Hailz. RATHBONERS!

Today I have more details on the release of WURSTALBUM. You know you're going to want to stop by your grocer's deli section and pick up a few copies of this:

WURSTALBUM, the third release from The World's Fakest Band, RATHBONE, hits stores this week... but you won't find it at any record outlet. Instead, you might want to check in the fridge of your local supermarket. That's because WURSTALBUM is the first ever album to be printed on deli meat; more specifically, it's the first album to be printed on bologna.

"This is bullshit!" explains founding member and leather jacket player, Lauren "The Axe" Cleary, "I fucking hate this album."

Axe isn't the only one with concerns for the CD and the potential for disaster it could spawn. Cyxlotta "Cap'n Cyx" Kyllshot had this to say, "We called it the WURSTALBUM as a joke. When we were making it, it just sucked so bad that I guess the name stuck. We didn't really want people to hear it, so we devised a way to actually record the tracks on the bologna. In this way, the format truly is as groundbreaking as it is completely unplayable." Cyx was recently awarded the coveted honor of Skin Flautist of the Century at the 143rd Annual Poor Life Decisions Awards.

Violinist Becky "Femmetroll" sings a different tune, "I actually don't do much of the singing, so that's a lie." she admits.

It should be an interesting year for RATHBONE, who currently claim to have more live members in the band than the London Philharmonic. One thing's for certain; If WURSTALBUM doesn't sell, the group will easily be able to eat their losses.

Welcome Aboard!

Hailz, RATHBONERS!

It's probably no surprise that RATHBONE gets a lot of requests from fans to know more about what's up in our daily lives. Our Facebook and Twitter pages are great, but there's so much more to being The World's Fakest Band that people can't grasp in mere 140 word updates. That's why we're proud to unveil RATHBLOG: the best spot to get all the meaty, juicy, gooey, and disturbing details concerning the "band" and our "music".

Speaking of which -- we've been hard at work in the studio, lately. Well, some of us have. I wouldn't know... I try to avoid that place as much as I can, but I heard some people have been in there doing... well, God only knows what...

What was I saying? Oh -- the studio. Yeah, so I guess we have a new album coming out in limited release soon. I'm really pumped for this one, but actually, that's a lie. I couldn't be more disgusted by the whole idea of this record, and really, I just want to go to the fucking release party and get really blasted. Anyway -- I guess we're calling it WURSTALBUM, which is pretty funny considering our violinist, Becky Femmetroll, only threw that name out for shits and giggles one night after an ether binge. Six months later and, well, that horrible title is practically spinning in my CD player.

And speaking of THAT -- They tell me WURSTALBUM is already a groundbreaking release. I thought, at first, that meant people were already protesting it and burning record stores to the ground before it even came out, but later found out the real reason is because this CD is the first album ever to be stamped onto bologna. I guess that deal we made with Oscar Mayer went through after all, though I'm told the mustard bonus tracks had to be cut due to budget constraints and some sort of formatting issue... All I know is, technology is an awesome thing if they can put a man on the moon and RATHBONE on a cold-cut. How it's all done is way beyond my mental capacity. I'm not a Scientologist, after all...

I promise we'll have more details as they come forth. Until then, loyal fans, I hope you guys stay tuned and don't die or anything. We seriously need both of you to fucking buy a few copies of this or we're getting kicked out of the lot we're renting next month.


Hail the Whale,

DB