The RATHBONE community has some sad news to announce: the master copy of RATHBONE's WURSTALBUM—the first (and apparently the last) LP ever to be printed on bologna—has, unfortunately, spoiled after spending a mere three days outside the studio refrigerator.
The RATHMASTER was mistaken for a common cold cut by a hungry studio peon (who has since been fired), but the one-of-a-kind discmeat failed to make it onto the aforementioned peon's sandwich. Being belligerently inebriated (a.k.a., the habitual state of all RATHBONE employees, fans, and members) at the time, he dropped it on the floor—where it lay in bacteria-laden wait until leather jacket player Lauren "The Axe" Cleary discovered it three days later with the heel of her bare foot.
Lu (as she is better known) described the sensation as "fuzzy and kinda sick—not at all how we intended the album to come out… actually, no—that's exactly how we intended it to come out… anyway, it smelled like shit."
Before the leather jacket virtuoso could snap a photo of the ruined RATHMASTER for insurance purposes, however, her trusty bull mastiff wandered into the room and promptly gobbled it up. Nearby residents claimed to have heard the beast's belch up to six miles away (being the most unlistenable and horribly-recorded P.O.S. known to humankind, the WURSTALBUM is, after all, quite a lot to digest), with some alleging that the resulting vibrations damaged the foundations of their homes. RATHBONE (and its dog) is now being sued by a good portion of the state for disturbing the peace and accidentally an earthquake…
On the bright side, however, the loss of the RATHMASTER has inspired the band to record an acoustic tribute album in memory of its fallen objet d'art. The EP—which is anticipated to shatter previous sales records around the world—will be released later this spring, on ham.
-CK
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